the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She bit a glass in half.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My feet surprised me
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