i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
