What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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