Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
