The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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