2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
