I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Floor bacon is actually really good
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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