I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
