I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
