I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
