The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
