I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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