On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
