I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
