so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
