Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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