if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
