Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
