I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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