Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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