peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
