good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
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