Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
