i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
