my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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