I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
