paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Still dying that you shit outside
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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