Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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