We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
worst night to have a conscience
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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