My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
