im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
