just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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