Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Ketchup is God's man juice
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
