She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
