my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Randomize
