I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
