I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
