and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
