I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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