p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
