I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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