I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
