This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
