I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
