I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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