He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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