I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
