I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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