I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
