I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
