This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize