I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
