I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
