Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
