Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She's JV to your varsity
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
