This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
