I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
