he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
